Well, once upon a time…
I needed to attend a conference in San Diego. I was quite heavy, not very happy about it, and definitely feeling frumpy. However, since I wasn’t going to lose 75 pounds overnight – it was time to focus on my assets, my curves, and my face. Weight does not define a person – a person defines a person.
Shopping at Macy’s, I found a dress, or should I say – the dress found me. It wasn’t a big fancy designer item, rather, it was just hanging in the INC area, and it literally leapt out at me. It gleamed. Long sleeved, knee length with an interesting zigzag pattern woven throughout. Resembling something very hip and retro that Goldie Hawn would have danced in on Laugh-In (whoa – did I just date myself or what?), it shimmered with just enough glitz to make it fascinating but not distasteful. I named the dress “Goldie”, grabbed it and made the purchase, subduing all the negative thoughts of “how will this look on my rather large backside” and “is this really appropriate” as best I could. In that moment – I just delighted at the thought of how I would feel to walk into a room of people wearing “Goldie” and imagining the reactions. Isn’t that really the magic in a nutshell? The vision of the feeling? The possibilities of that moment? The joy of the arrival?
Fast forward to the conference, and to the night of the
dress debut. Getting ready for evening -
I began doubting my wardrobe selection. Having
a “fatter than normal” day, I was filled with trepidation that perhaps “Goldie”
was too much for the event. Would it
draw too much attention (meaning would I)?
Would it cause whispers about my weight?
I had loads of curves, and this
dress hugged each and every one of them.
Did I “deserve” to wear such a, dare I say “sexy” dress at my size?
I was so self-conscious about my looks that I was not able
to embrace the powerful person that I am.
It was not about the dress. That
was merely a cover for the insecurity boiling under the surface. After a few minutes reflection, the real
question dawned on me - was I too much? I
was in a new job that I didn’t know well, in a new situation that didn’t fit
quite right, and in a body that wasn’t to my liking. It felt like the clock had just struck
midnight, and I just wanted to run into the woods and go back to hiding in my
own little corner.
As the story turns out, I don’t hide well…
Emerging from my room in Goldie – I really emerged as
myself. The minute the hotel room door
shut, I mentally shut the door on all the nasty voices of insecurity. I had to or I would have run right back in,
stripped off that dress, and frumped myself back down to something that I am
not. I’m part Italian – and as such, we
just inherently know we are magnificent the way we are here and now – period. So – it was time to go big or go home. Since I was already big, it didn’t make any
sense to go home!
The elevator doors opened on the bustling lobby. One last second of trepidation and I shut
that book for good. Stepping out, I had
to make a quick stop at the front desk. As
coincidence would have it, the president of my company was standing there checking
in. Of all people to see first! I took a deep breath and walked over to say
hello. The next thing I heard was a very
audible gasp, followed by several rather surprised exclamations about how I
looked. I smiled, said thank you, likely
blushed a little, and then said I’d see him later and walked away. As I turned – I remember thinking “YES”! I know I’m intelligent, strategic, business
minded and all that, but now, let’s add attractive, and dare I say - sexy to
that list! Oh – I like this “Goldie”
thing! I don’t remember once thinking “I’m fat” or “I
need to lose a million pounds before I’m attractive” – quite the contrary.
“It’s possible, for a plain yellow pumpkin to become a
golden carriage…”The rest of that evening continued on the same trajectory – only better. I had a raucous and rollicking dinner with three great longtime male friends, and I could tell that even they were impressed with the dress, or rather with me in the dress. After dinner, “Goldie” and I went around to various bars and parties – all the while feeling very much like a lovely goddess of knowledge and confidence, and a bit of hotness. My excess weight? Nary a thought about it.
So the next time you question yourself and what you deserve
or how wonderful and gorgeous you are here and now – be it your weight, your
look, your mind, your confidence – my suggestion is to dump that slump. Get yourself your own version of “Goldie”,
feel awesome now, and know that
impossible things are truly happening every day.
